We Need To Talk
Everyone faces one sooner or later -- a difficult conversation you wish you could avoid. Whether it's about a bad performance review, job termination, breaking up with a significant other, confronting a loved one with an addiction or asking for a raise, all can turn palms sweaty and throats dry.
Difficult conversations arise from intense situations that confront an individual's identity or performance, says Dr. Blaine McCormick, assistant professor of management at Baylor's Hankamer School of Business. In his "Negotiation and Conflict Resolution" class, he teaches students to transform a difficult conversation into a problem-solving negotiation. His students use the book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most as a primer for understanding effective communication strategies for the business world and everyday life.
"Although difficult conversations cannot be avoided, you can learn both how to prepare and how to stay on the road to problem-solving," Dr. McCormick says. A good basic strategy is to avoid defensiveness when the going starts to get a little rough. "Overreacting and attacking only escalate already difficult situations. You can more easily move things in a positive direction if you learn to get curious when you feel threatened rather than attacking the other party," he says.
Be prepared to listen to the other party's side and consider his or her feelings about the situation. The best way to resolve the issue may be to remove yourself for a short period of time and review it again later. "Space and time are underrated as conflict resolvers," he says.
Dr. McCormick's rules to season tough talk
In any difficult moment, you have a range of possible alternatives. Walking away or going to court are just two of many possible options. First, do no harm. The medical community lives by this dictum, and it makes good sense for those involved in difficult situations. Your first goal should be to keep from making matters worse.
"It's always my turn." Whose turn is it to start the conflict resolution process? You can and should make the first move when apologizing or confronting a troublesome situation. If you make the first step, the other party typically will reciprocate.
Separate 'not liking' from stupid. Avoid labeling the other party's opinion as stupid. Although you may not like someone's point of view, it does not mean it is useless.
Correct for skewed vision. Run your ideas and opinions by a trusted third party before entering a difficult conversation. They may be able to point out holes in logic or show you another way of thinking that you might not have considered.
Don't assume they meant it. Work to give the other party the benefit of the doubt if you feel attacked. They're probably not as bad as you think they are -- and you're probably not as good as you think you are. Talk about contributions to break out of the "blame frame." Each person makes his or her own contributions to the situation; therefore, blame cannot be placed on any one party. Nobody wants to take the blame, but one might be willing to admit he or she contributed to the problem.
Embrace both stories with the "and" stance. Chances are there's some truth on both sides of the table. Acknowledge and embrace what's right about the other party's views by putting it alongside your own views with the word "and." Conflict is hard to resolve when it's either your story or my story. Most likely the true story is a bit of both.
Focus on feelings to avoid judgments you will regret. It's much better to say, "I feel betrayed," rather than "You're a liar." One is a statement of your feelings; the other is a harsh, and potentially untrue, judgment.
If all else fails, find a third party you both trust. When at loggerheads with one another, take your cases to a third party rather than risk further damage to the relationship by continuing the argument. A separate party brings in an unbiased position and can give an honest opinion of the situation.